“We’ll have Seal Team Six deliver the Kashster behind enemy lines and challenge their leader to a chugging contest,” Hegseth says, smiling. “My G-Man will face off, pop some tops, and let the suds flow until the infidels surrender.”

I fixed inflation. Prices have never been lower. Gas, rent, groceries– a word I made up – they’re all cheap. People can’t believe. And cars and homes are also finally affordable. Many of my Mar-A-Lago members have two, three, or even ten houses. They all love Trump!!! They tell me all the time at our Great Gatsby parties.

“Those buff dudes are hot,” coos Samantha Woolencott. “But they’re a little too ‘into’ each other, if you know what I mean. Why are all the good ones infatuated with each other? What chance does a girl like me have?”

“You Democrats want to deny biology,” Bondi snapped at Sen. Jamie Raskin. “Young girls are naturally attracted to successful, rich, powerful men who are hunks. Epstein, President Trump, Bill Gates, Leslie Wexner, Howard Lutnick, and Elon Musk are stone-cold gorgeous specimens of the male form. But they were constantly badgered and abused by these young girls gone wild. It was a travesty, and I will bring justice for the abused men involved.”

“This country was built by white people,” Miller tells The Lint Screen. “But it has been systematically infiltrated by different colored races, causing great destruction to America’s rich history. They’re ruined music. Pat Boone, now that was music. No more. We are going to take back our country.”

When St. Peter gave the judgment, Trump’s lawyers immediately appealed, saying they “would take the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.”

“Seriously?” the disciple and Gate Keeper laughed. “Who do these people think they are? Six of those judges will be joining Trump in the lakes of eternal fire. They’d better hope their black robes are made of asbestos.”